Liberty Harbor
by ImagineBackstory
Summary: Jess Mariano's life up until he arrived in Stars Hollow was a twisted path which left him scarred and angry at the world. There's a reason people are the way they are. Dark Pre-GG and, eventually, canon. Jess-centric. Rated for language, dark themes, and sexual content in later chapters.
1. Count the Stars

**A/N:** Welcome to the story! I have been wanting to write something like this for a long time; a story which takes a look at Jess' life before he moved to Stars Hollow. Some will of course be inspired by what we hear in the show (although the information is sometimes inconsistent), and some will be imagined up by me. Shit's gonna get real dark real fast, though. You've been warned.

 **Synopsis:** Jess Mariano's life up until he arrived in Stars Hollow was a twisted path which left him scarred and angry at the world. There's a reason people are the way they are. Dark Pre-GG. Jess-centric.

 **Rating:** T for language, dark themes, and sexual content in later chapters. Rating will probably go up eventually. At the start of any chapters containing particularly sensitive material, I will post a trigger warning accordingly.

 **FYI:** Keeping with the canon timeline, Jess was born in 1984. Keep that mind to figure out his age at any given time in the story, as I will rarely reference it otherwise.

 **Liberty Harbor**

 _By Imagine Backstory_

Chapter One

 **Brooklyn, 1989**

Jess thinks he can remember a time when Mama was happy.

He's not sure if the memory is real or not. All he has is a mental image of her smiling down at him, her long hairs tickling his cheek. The memory is from when he was little, that's why it's all he can remember. He doesn't know where they were, he doesn't know who else was there. But he holds onto it dearly all the same.

There's always someone else there.

Jess lies in bed. It's shaped like a big red racecar. He doesn't like racecars. He'd sooner play with toy soldiers than Hot Wheels. But John has other ideas.

"He's a boy," John will say when he sits at the breakfast table, drinking yucky black liquid from a plain white mug. "Boys like cars." The big ring on his pinky finger flashes under the kitchen light as he takes another sip from the mug. Jess will look down at his cereal and continue to separate the red and green Rice Krispies from the white. Mama got him the cereal before Christmas. It's stale now. Jess doesn't want to eat it, but he will anyway, so John won't yell.

And Mama will nod solemnly in agreement while she cooks bacon in a frying pan.

Jess stares at the plastic stars glued to the ceiling. They're supposed to glow in the dark, but they have dimmed over time. He counts them again. Jess doesn't count sheep to fall asleep; he counts the stars on his ceiling. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't, like tonight. He can't sleep. It's too noisy.

Mama and John are next door. It's too noisy.

Jess pulls his blankets tighter around him and buries his head back into his pillow.

He has school tomorrow. Jess likes school. He likes being outside of the house. He likes colouring and nap time and he likes it when Miss Haveram reads to the class. Miss Haveram is wonderful. She sits on a stool and lets the kids sit on the floor around her, and she lets them take turns choosing which book to read-a whole book! Her voice is always calm and clear. She doesn't yell like John. She's not quiet and raspy like Mama.

 _Thump. Thump. Thump._

It's too noisy.

Jess rolls over. He plays the game where he stuffs his face against his pillow and counts how long it takes for his chest to start hurting. Tonight, he reaches a new record. Thirty-nine seconds. When he emerges, he's breathless. He rests his chin on the pillow and gazes out the window over his bed. The racecar bed.

Suddenly, it's quiet.

Jess finally falls asleep.

* * *

Jess decided he didn't like John a long time ago.

Mama assured him that John is good. John gave them their house and Jess' toys. John makes sure they eat every day. John makes Mama feel special. John is good.

John doesn't make Jess feel special. John makes Jess feel small.

But Jess isn't small. Maybe on the outside, but Jess knows on the inside he's not small. His brain is bigger than the other kindergartners. Maybe his brain is bigger than John's. Jess knows this, Mama probably knows this too. But they don't tell John.

When Jess comes home from school, Mama isn't there. Mama's always there. Instead, John is there. Alone. No Mama. Jess is confused.

Jess is scared.

"Sit down," John tells Jess when he walks into the living room, his backpack weighing his small body down.

Jess turns over onto the outer edges of his feet. Batman grimaces up at him from the inside of his shoe. John gestures to the big leather armchair Jess isn't normally allowed to sit in. For a moment, Jess forgets he's scared and he clamours up into the seat, excited and feeling nice and big.

Jess glances around. The living room looks so different from up here.

The clock ticks in the kitchen.

"Where's Mama?" Jess asks around the strap of his back pack, which he has taken up the habit of chewing on.

John fingers a small glass of what looks like iced tea. "She's out." He's smiling, but not with his eyes. "She'll be back soon."

"Okay." Jess glances around as John takes a big sip of his drink.

John is good. John gives them their house.

The clock ticks in the kitchen.

"How was school?" John asks. He is staring at Jess over the rim of his glasses. Mama says John wears glasses because he can't see very well. Jess thinks John wears glasses because he's old.

Jess continues to chew on his backpack strap. "Good."

"Did Miss Haveram read to you today?"

Jess nods his head. "It was my turn to pick the book," he says quietly.

"Well, that's exciting," says John, but he doesn't sound excited. He sounds tired. His words run together the way Jess' sometimes do when he's sleepy. Jess is sleepy today because of the noise last night, but he wants to sound more awake than John. He sits up taller in his seat, still thrilled to be sitting on the throne of the living room. "What book did you pick?"

" _Charlotte's Web_ ," Jess replies proudly. He doesn't sound sleepy.

The clock ticks in the kitchen.

"That's a good choice." John finishes his drink and stands up to get some more. He goes to the cupboard Jess isn't allowed to touch. Jess watches with wide eyes, his teeth stilling on his backpack strap, as John reveals what's inside: glass bottles. Some big, some small. Some of them are almost empty. Some look like they have iced tea in them. Some look like it's just water.

John gets his drink and sits back down on the sofa across from Jess. "Where's Mama?" Jess asks again.

"I said she'll be home soon," John snaps, glaring at Jess.

Jess shrinks into the leather throne.

The clock ticks in the kitchen.

Jess hears the familiar sound of Mama's car in the driveway. He scrambles out of his seat, wanting to run to the window so he can watch Mama come home, but John grabs the loop at the top of Jess' backpack and holds him still. Jess squirms, protesting with a small whine. "Shh," John hisses. It's a mean, harsh sound. Jess feels like he might cry.

The front door bursts open and Mama strides in. She looks almost as scared as Jess. She stops in the doorway and reaches one arm out towards Jess, the other hand on the doorknob. "Come here, Jess," she calls, reaching for him.

Jess tries to run to Mama, but John holds him back. Jess screeches and twists, trying to get his arms out from the straps, but John is holding him too tight.

Mama is crying. "Let him go, John," she says in her scariest, quietest voice. Her lip quivers.

"Liz, let's talk about this rationally," says John, ignoring Jess, who continues to writhe in his grasp at his side.

" _Fuck_ your rationality!" Liz yells. Jess jumps. Mama has never yelled before. It's always John who yells. "Tell me, John, was what you did _rational_? Huh?"

The clock ticks in the kitchen.

"Where will you go?" John asks calmly. "You have nowhere to go, Liz. You have nothing without me."

"I don't care," Mama cries. "I just need to get out of here." She stretches her hand farther, trying to reach Jess. Jess reaches for her, too, but John grabs both his arms and holds him back. Jess feels his arm twist uncomfortably and he lets out a low squeak of pain. "Let him go, John!" Mama shrieks.

"Mama!" Jess screams, reaching for her. John puts a hand over Jess mouth. Jess licks John's hand. He hears John grunt in disgust, but he doesn't let go.

"I swear to god, John, if you hurt him, I'll kill you," says Mama. Her scary voice is back.

Jess thinks about his memory of happy Mama. Smiling down at him. Her hair tickling his face.

Jess wonders if Mama will ever be happy again.

The clock ticks in the kitchen.

* * *

Jess is awake.

He counts the stars on the ceiling. Forty-seven.

The racecar bed isn't comfy anymore. It never really was.

Jess turns over and puts his face on the pillow. He counts to forty before his chest hurts so badly he almost cries. He doesn't cry, though. He won't cry.

It's dark outside. He gazes out the window. He can't see much because of the big old tree outside; the branches were bare and in the way of his view of the street below.

The door creaks open. Jess turns over, surprised, and then is relieved when he sees it's Mama. She's not in her pajamas. She's dressed for outside. And she's holding Jess' jacket in her hands.

"Mama-?" Jess goes to ask, but Mama puts a finger to her lips, signaling for silence. There was something in the air and Jess obeys Mama without a second thought. He is quiet.

Mama helps Jess get dressed and put on his jacket. She puts clothes in his backpack and zips it up, then reaches for his hand. She's leading him to the door when he stops, tugging her back, and points mournfully at his bookshelf. Dozens of unread pages have a home there. Jess doesn't want to leave them behind. He looks at Mama pleadingly, but she slowly shakes her head no.

Just before Mama pulls Jess out of his room, he turns around and wordlessly says good-bye to the stars on his ceiling.

* * *

Jess won't cry.

Mama cries, but Jess won't cry.

She cries the whole time they're in her car. Jess doesn't know where they're going, but he doesn't ask. He looks out the window. It's dark and quiet outside. The yellow streetlamps streak by them, illuminating the inside of the car at regular intervals. Jess' breath makes foggy stains on the window. He doesn't draw in them though. John doesn't like it when Jess draws on the window.

They drive for a long time. Jess goes to sleep. Mama cries.

He wakes when she gently moves his shoulder. She isn't crying anymore. She's doing her best to smile.

Mama gets out of the car and comes around to help Jess get out. She lets him take his backpack and she takes her own bag, then his hand. She leads him across a wide street. Jess glances around curiously, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings. Everything is so much smaller here. Jess barely has to lift his head to see the tops of the buildings; back near John's house, he had to tilt his head all the way back to see the tops of the skyscrapers. In the distance, warm twinkle lights glisten invitingly, strung up in the trees and on a structure in the middle of a small green field. Jess wants to go there. But he follows Mama.

They approach a door to a building. Through the blinds, Jess can see it's dark inside. Maybe no one's home? But Mama knocks on the door, rattling it loudly.

She has to knock a few more times before a light goes on inside. Jess can see the light through the blinds, just a warm, square patch of it. Then a large figure steps into the light and barrels towards the door. Frightened, Jess hides behind Mama's leg.

"Liz," says the man who opens the door. Jess peers up at him, cautiously peeking around Mama's leg. He is tall and broad-shouldered, and he's wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants. "What's going on?"

Mama is suddenly crying again. "I just don't know what to do," she sobs helplessly, her whole body shaking as she becomes overwrought.

The man steps forward and hugs Mama. She lets go of Jess' hand so as to hug him back, burying her face in the man's shoulder. They hug for a long time. Jess remains cowering behind Mama, getting more confused by the second, wary of this big tall stranger hugging Mama.

When finally the grown-ups break apart, the man's gaze falls to Jess. His eyes look sad. "Is this him?" he asks quietly.

Mama sniffles and wipes her nose on her sleeve. She always tells Jess not to do that. "Yeah," she says, her voice crackling. She coaxes Jess out in front of her and leans down so that she is eye-level with Jess. "Jess," she says, looking right into Jess' eyes. Then she looks towards the man. "This is your Uncle Luke."

* * *

There are no stars to count on this ceiling. Jess can't sleep.

Mama and the man she calls Uncle Luke are talking quietly in the kitchen. They're sitting at the table there, under a dim light. They probably think Jess is asleep. He isn't. He listens.

"And so I went to go pick Jess up from school but he'd already gotten on the bus," Mama says quietly. Her voice is tired. Her fingers clutch a mug of tea. "So I rushed home to get him, but John had already..." Her voice breaks off and she sniffles again. "He already had him. And god, Luke... I was so scared..."

Uncle Luke makes a soft shushing noise. It's not harsh and mean like when John shushes. It is soothing and comforting.

"So John already knew?" Uncle Luke asks, barely above a whisper. Jess has to strain to hear him. "He knew you'd found out?"

"No doubt the little bitch tipped him off," Mama grunts, followed by another sniff.

"Lizzie...is there any way he can follow you? Any way he could find out where you are?" asks Uncle Luke.

There's a brief pause before Mama speaks again. "I don't think he will," she says quietly. "But in any case...we'll be gone tomorrow."

"What, no, Liz, you can't leave yet. Stay here a couple days. You need time to rest and think. I can't just let you run off again after everything you've been through." Uncle Luke's voice is so soft and nice. Jess doesn't think he's ever heard a man's voice be that soft and nice.

"What am I gonna do about Jess?" Mama asks desperately. "He's so quiet. I can never tell what he's thinking or feeling..."

"I'll hang out with Jess tomorrow," says Uncle Luke. "Give you some time to sleep and get things sorted out. I'll take him down to the lake and we'll go fishing."

Mama sniffles again. "Thanks, big brother."

Brother? Mama has a brother...

A bit later on, Mama gets into the bed next to Jess with a quiet sigh. "Mama?" Jess asks quietly.

"Yeah, baby?" she asks, surprised that Jess is awake.

"Are we gonna go home tomorrow?"

"No, baby."

"What about John?"

Mama is quiet for a minute, then kisses the back of Jess' head. "We're not going to see John ever again," she says.

Jess is glad.

Mama's presence nearby is enough to soothe him into a peaceful slumber. And he doesn't even need to count the stars on the ceiling.

* * *

The fish are scared today. That's what Uncle Luke says. "The fish are scarce."

Jess sits in Uncle Luke's boat. It belonged to Grandpa Will. Jess doesn't know who Grandpa Will is, but it feels nice to say. "Grandpa Will."

"That's right," Uncle Luke says with a smile. "He was my daddy. Your mom's, too."

Jess leans over the side of the boat, gazing down into the green water below. He can see rocks and sea plants at the bottom, but no fish.

"What's on your mind, Jess?" Uncle Luke asks.

Jess rests his chin on the edge of the boat, gazing out over the water with wide brown eyes. "I don't know."

Uncle Luke's voice is nice. "Your mom's worried about you," he says. "You know she loves you, right?"

Jess looks at Uncle Luke. "I know." Jess notices Uncle Luke's hat. It's a baseball hat, like John wore when he took Jess to the baseball games. Jess doesn't really like baseball. "I like your hat," he says.

Uncle Luke smiles and takes it off, then holds it out to Jess. "You wanna wear it?"

Excited, Jess sits up and accepts the hat, swiftly plunking it on top of his head. The brim slips down immediately to cover his eyes. Jess giggles, and Uncle Luke laughs, too. "I can't see!" Jess shrieks through his laughter, holding his arms out blindly in front of him. Uncle Luke's laughs get louder. Jess likes the sound of Uncle Luke's laugh, so Jess stands and makes a show of it, flailing his arms wildly. "I can't see!"

Uncle Luke's laughs stop suddenly. "Whoa, Jess, wait-!"

Jess' foot hits something at the bottom of the boat and he trips with a yelp. Then he falls directly into the lake!

The water is so cold. It closes in on Jess, weighing him down. He panics, kicking his legs and moving his arms, but he doesn't know which way is up. He moves about wildly in the water, and then starts when he catches a sight of a fish not ten feet away, staring at him curiously.

Two strong arms encircle Jess and he is propelled swiftly upwards, breaking the surface with a big gasp of air. Uncle Luke hauls Jess out of the water and back into the boat. He's talking very fast. "Jeez, Jess, are you alright? Buddy? Jess? Talk to me. Are you alright?"

Jess is shivering so hard his teeth chatter loudly inside his mouth. He coughs once, twice, and then looks up at Uncle Luke, his eyes wide with astonishment. Then he laughs.

Uncle Luke looks confused as Jess doubles over laughing, sitting back down on the bench with the force of it. Then, after a moment, Uncle Luke starts laughing again, too. He reaches over the side of the boat and comes back up with his baseball hat in hand. It's just as wet as Jess is! He slaps it down onto Jess' head again, which only makes Jess laugh harder.

As uncle and nephew begin to scream with laughter, Jess thinks he likes Uncle Luke a lot better than he ever liked John.

* * *

Jess likes the bell over the door to Uncle Luke's diner. It tinkles whenever someone goes in or out.

He is still soaking wet from his trip to the lake. Uncle Luke wrapped a towel around him and let him and said they had to get back right away before Jess got _hipatherma_. "Your lips are turning blue," Uncle Luke said as he lifted Jess into his truck. "We'll get you into a warm bath, okay, Jess?"

Now at the diner, Uncle Luke hurries Jess up the stairs to his house and sits Jess down on the bed while he gets the bath ready. Jess wiggles his bare toes while he waits, noticing how pruney they are. His fingers are the same. He shivers.

Luke comes out and brings Jess into the bathroom, gently lifting him into the tub. The water is nice and warm. Jess sighs contentedly and sinks into the warm water. He stops shivering.

"I'm just gonna go call your mom, okay, Jess?" Luke asks, smiling as Jess flounders playfully in the tub. "I'll just be in the other room."

Jess splashes around, wishing he had his army men to play with. Mama usually let Jess bring them into the tub as long as they were made of plastic. But he is content to just be warm. He blows bubbles, delighting at the silly sound it makes.

In the other room, Jess can hear Uncle Luke speaking on the phone. Jess pauses when he hears that Uncle Luke's voice isn't nice anymore. "What do you mean you're not coming back?" he asks loudly. "What about Jess? He's in the bath right now. You're just gonna leave him here? Liz-!?"

Jess stays still in the tub as a yucky feeling hits his tummy. He waits for a long time before Uncle Luke comes back into the bathroom and sits on the toilet. Uncle Luke gives a big sigh and runs his hand through his hair. He looks at Jess. His eyes look sad again. "How's the bath?" he asks. His voice is quiet, but at least it sounds nice again. Jess just stares at him. Luke sighs again. "Your mom's gonna be gone for a little while, okay, Jess?"

Jess looks down at the water. He wishes he had his army men.

Uncle Luke reaches out to tousle Jess' hair gently. "Looks like it's just you and me, kid."

* * *

 **A/N:** Thoughts so far? I'd really love to hear your feedback.


	2. A Spoonful of Sugar

**Synopsis** : Jess Mariano's life up until he arrived in Stars Hollow was a twisted path which left him scarred and angry at the world. There's a reason people are the way there are. Dark Pre-GG. Jess-centric.

 **Rating:** T for language, dark themes, and sexual content in later chapters. Rating will probably go up eventually. At the start of any chapters containing particularly sensitive material, I will post a trigger warning accordingly.

 **FYI:** Keeping with the canon timeline, Jess was born in 1984. Keep that mind to figure out his age at any given time in the story.

 **Liberty Harbor**

 _By Imagine Backstory_

Chapter Two

 **Stars Hollow, 1990**

The grown ups are all very nice in Stars Hollow. That's what Jess noticed in his first few months of living here. They are so nice it almost makes Jess forget about Mama.

But Jess remembers her again eventually.

Uncle Luke has had many phone calls after that day Jess fell in the lake. He often sends Jess downstairs to the diner while he is on the phone. But Jess still heard him sometimes. Uncle Luke usually say things like "irresponsible" and "abandoned" and "disappointed" while he is on the phone. And Jess sits at the table in the apartment or at the counter in the diner, not eating.

Jess often forgets to eat. Uncle Luke wants Jess to eat, but everything is yucky and sometimes Jess throws up afterwards. Uncle Luke took Jess to the doctor once but Jess whined and cried and caused a big enough fuss that he hasn't taken him back since.

Nevertheless, Jess often sits in the diner at the counter while Uncle Luke talks on the phone. That's how he found out the grown-ups in Starts Hollow are nice. He doesn't even need Uncle Luke's help up onto the stools anymore. Uncle Luke says Jess has grown three inches in the last ten months. Jess thinks he's fibbing. After all, Jess hasn't really been in Stars Hollow for ten months.

"Whatcha reading there, sweetheart?" Miss Patty asks once afternoon after school. Uncle Luke is upstairs having a meeting on the phone. Jess heard him say the words "lawyer" and "custody". Jess doesn't fully understand what either word means.

Miss Patty reminds Jess of a toad in a book he read when he was little. But she was a nice toad, a Queen, in fact. Miss Patty has the same wrinkles, big smile, and curly hair. She smells like the mothballs John put in his closet.

Jess holds up his book. " _The Silver Chair_ ," reads Miss Patty with a smile. "I read those books when I was only a little older than you are. Do you enjoy them?"

Jess nods. "My favourite's _The Horse and his Boy_."

"That is a good one. I think mine's _The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe_."

"That's everyone's favourite," Jess says, wrinkling his nose.

Miss Patty laughs. "I'm sure it is, dear."

"Hey, Jess," says Hennie as he emerges from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel. "Are you hungry?"

Jess shakes his head. "No."

"Luke says you gotta eat," says Hennie. "So come on. I'll make you anything you want. Pancakes? Eggs? Plain old cereal?"

Jess deflates further onto the stool. "I'm not hungry."

"Jess, sweetie, you have to eat something," Miss Patty chimes in. When Jess says nothing, she looks at Hennie. "Hendrick, why don't you get us both some cereal and I'll make it extra special for Jess."

As Hennie goes back into the kitchen, Jess peeks at Miss Patty. "How are you gonna make it special?" he asks.

"You'll see," Miss Patty says, winking. "I used to have it like this all the time. You'll love it. Trust me."

Hennie returns with two bowls of cereal with milk, one for Jess and one for Miss Patty. Miss Patty reaches for the big sugar shaker and begins liberally sprinkling it into her cereal. "See? A little big of sugar makes a big difference. Now you do yours." She hands Jess the sugar shaker. He dumps a fair amount on top of his cereal, much to Miss Patty's delight. "That's the spirit!"

Jess can't help but giggle as he watches the mound of white crystals grown on top of his cereal.

Uncle Luke comes down from upstairs, looking very tired. He pauses when he sees what Miss Patty and Jess are doing. "What's going on here?" he asks. "Jess, what are you doing?"

"Relax, Luke, Jess is just discovering how good breakfast can really be."

"It's three in the afternoon, he has this much sugar he's gonna be up all night," says Uncle Luke grumpily.

Jess puts down the sugar shaker and reaches for his spoon. Tentatively, he gives the cereal a stir to mix in the sugar. Then he takes a small spoonful and carefully delivers it into his mouth. Miss Patty, Luke and Hennie all watch avidly as Jess chews and swallows. There is a tense silence as Jess ponders this new substance for a moment, and then he looks up at Miss Patty and smiles. "It's yummy," he says.

The three of them erupt into cheers at which Jess laughs. He begins to eat more of his cereal as Luke leans towards Miss Patty. "At least he's eating somethin'."

"A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down," Miss Patty replies with a wink.

"Thanks, Mary Poppins." Luke smiles ruefully and turns to Jess. "You make sure you eat every bite of that, understand?"

"Yes, Uncle Luke," Jess answers, his mouth full of delicious sugary cereal.

The bell over the door to the diner tinkles and the man named Taylor Doose walks in. Uncle Luke doesn't like Taylor. They argue whenever he walks in to the diner. By default, Jess doesn't like Taylor either. He gives Taylor the stink-eye from his spot at the counter as Taylor goes up to talk to Uncle Luke.

"Lucas, how old are you?" Taylor asks without saying hello.

"What?" says Uncle Luke, grimacing.

"It's a simple question, Luke. I'm merely asking how old you are?"

Uncle Luke rolls his eyes. "I'm twenty-six, Taylor. Do I wanna know why you're askin'?"

"Because it was just brought to my attention that there's a sector in the Stars Hollow privately-owned business guide which explicitly states that in order to privately own a business within Stars Hollow, the primary business manager must be at least twenty-seven."

"Oh, what a load of crap!" exclaims Uncle Luke.

"Luke," says Miss Patty in warning, glancing sideways at Jess, who is listening intently.

"Sorry," says Uncle Luke. "I meant, what a load of- Well it's a load of somethin', Taylor, and you can bet your bottom dollar that that is not going to make a difference in who runs this diner."

"I beg to differ," says Taylor, outraged. "It says right in the regulations, Luke. Now I must insist that you find someone twenty-seven or older to sign on as primary manager or as town selectman I shall have to take disciplinary action against your diner!"

"Taylor, for god's sake, my birthday's in a month. Can't you hold off on the disciplinary action until it's no longer necessary?"

"I'm afraid not," replied Taylor. "You've been running this diner for six years, the entire time in violation of a Stars Hollow law!"

"You know what else I've been doin' for six years, Taylor? Putting up with the likes of you sticking your nose in everyone's business! And I'll tell you what else, Taylor-I have had it!"

Jess doesn't like it when Uncle Luke and Taylor fight, so he says good bye to Miss Patty, grabs his book and his backpack and heads up to Uncle Luke's house, but not before pushing his empty cereal bowl towards Hennie to wash.

* * *

Jess sits in a hard plastic chair outside Principal Merton's office, swinging his feet back and forth in frustration. Uncle Luke has been inside the office for a long time, and he told Jess to wait until he is done. But Jess doesn't want to wait here; he wants to go outside. He doesn't like school anymore. Miss Lloyd doesn't read to the class and there's no naptime. Naptime is for kindergartners only, and Jess is a first grader now.

Finally, the door opens and Uncle Luke sticks his head out. "Hey, Jess. Come in here a minute."

Impatient, Jess hops down from the chair and goes into the office, only to sit in yet another chair next to Uncle Luke. Principal Merton sits behind his desk. He has black curly hair and glasses. He's not old like John though. "Jess," says Principal Merton. "You know why your uncle is here talking with me, right?"

Jess nods his head yes.

"Can you tell me why?"

Jess nods his head again. "Because I wouldn't play baseball."

"That's right. You know, Miss Lloyd goes to a lot of trouble organizing sports for your class, Jess. And when you all go out to the field to play, you're all expected to participate. Understand? Don't you like sports, Jess?" Jess shakes his head no. "You don't like sports?"

Jess shrugs his shoulders. "I don't like baseball."

"Why's that, Jess?" Uncle Luke asks. "You made me get you a baseball hat. I thought you liked baseball."

Jess doesn't say anything. The baseball hat Uncle Luke got him is dark green and he's wearing it right now, backwards. He wanted a baseball hat because Uncle Luke wears a baseball hat. But he feels silly saying that out loud.

"Well, in any case," says Principal Merton, "sometimes at school we have to do things we don't like to do, Jess. So even if you don't like baseball, you will have to play it with your class when Miss Lloyd organizes a game. Understand?"

"I don't want to play baseball," says Jess.

Principal Merton looks at Uncle Luke. "Jess, you're gonna have to play every once in a while, okay?" says Uncle Luke.

Jess looks at Uncle Luke and screams, " _I don't wanna play baseball_!"

There is a long silence. Principal Merton and Uncle Luke both look very surprised that Jess yelled so loud. Jess hasn't yelled so loud in a very long time. Not since John held him tight while Mama reached for him, yelling and crying and saying bad words. Jess hasn't screamed since then.

"Okay," says Principal Merton. "What would you rather do other than baseball, Jess?"

Jess has slumped in his seat, pouting. He peers up at Principal Merton from under his dark lashes. "I wanna read," he replies quietly.

"You want to read." Jess nods his head. "You like reading, Jess?"

"He's very good at it," says Uncle Luke quickly. "He's already read the _Narnia_ books, all of them. I didn't even do that until I was...well, I've never done that. Point is, the kid's smart, I'll bet he's smarter than all the other kids in his class. So, you know, maybe when the others play baseball, there's something else he could do? More along the academic or literary line...?"

Principal Merton looks at Jess. Jess sticks his tongue out.

* * *

Uncle Luke takes Jess back to the diner. The bell tinkles over the door as they walk in. It's earlier than Jess would normally get home, and there's not a lot of people here. He hurries to his favourite spot at the counter and climbs up onto the stool.

Uncle Luke goes around the other side of the counter where Jess isn't allowed to go. "So is it true, what Principal Merton said, Jess?" asks Uncle Luke as he ties an apron around his waist. "Are you bored in class?"

"Yeah," says Jess. He reaches for his backpack and pulls out his book. It's a _novel_ called _Strange Objects._ Uncle Luke got it for Jess for his birthday. Jess is already halfway through. He sometimes reads when he's not supposed to, like at night after Uncle Luke has gone to sleep. Jess can read by moonlight alone. And sometimes Jess hides his books inside the school books so he can read them in class. His school doesn't have _Strange Objects_.

Uncle Luke puts his hand on Jess' book to stop him from opening it. "You're sure you wanna do this, Jess?" he asks quietly, leaning in so the others in the diner won't hear. "You want to go to second grade? Skip first grade?" Jess doesn't respond. He doesn't know what to say. "I mean, you'll need to pass the test they're gonna give you to make sure you can keep up with the other second graders. But you heard me and Principal Merton. We both think you're something else, kid. We think you're real smart. That's kinda neat, huh?"

Jess chews on his lips. John used to yell when he did that. "Do second graders have to play baseball?"

"Probably," replies Uncle Luke kindly. "But they get to play other sports, too. And they get to read every day. Lots of books. Books you'll like reading, books that'll challenge you."

Jess looks down, trying to tug his book away from Uncle Luke's hand. "I don't wanna play baseball."

Uncle Luke leans over the counter so he can look Jess right in the eyes. "Why don't you like baseball, Jess?" Uncle Luke asks. "You need to tell me why. The real reason."

Jess looks down.

"Did...Jess, did John watch baseball?"

Jess feels his chest start to hurt the way it does when he plays the face in the pillow game at night. But there's no pillow, there's just Uncle Luke. And John. And. And baseball.

 _John is good_. John gave us-

* * *

The bell tinkles madly over the door as Jess streaks through it, yanking it open with all his might. He hears Uncle Luke calling after him but Jess is fast. He may not like baseball, but he's fast. He doesn't know where to go, but his legs carry him somewhere. Jess finds himself running into the trees, down the path to the lake where Uncle Luke takes him fishing sometimes.

There's an old bridge here. Jess has only ever seen it from the boat when he goes fishing with Uncle Luke; he's never stood on it before. He cautiously walks out to about the middle and stops, breathing heavily from running. He squeezes his eyes shut when they start to burn. He's not going to cry. Mama cries. Jess doesn't cry.

Jess sits down, trying to breathe. He still kind of feels like his face is in a pillow.

After a long time, Jess finally catches his breath. He peers over the edge of the bridge, down into the water. There's a couple of fishes down there, swimming around, oblivious to the world beyond the surface. Jess leans back and puts his book in his lap. He's glad he managed to take it with him when he left the diner. Now he has something to do while he sits here all alone.

It's a little cold.

Jess shivers and curls up tighter, drawing his book in close to his chest.

"What are you doing?"

Jess looks up, surprised. A girl stands at one end of the bridge, looking at him curiously. She's Jess' size, maybe a bit smaller. Jess has never seen her before. "Nothing," he replies quietly.

The girl walks towards him and stands next to him, looking down at him with an open expression on her face. "What are you reading?"

" _Strange Objects_ ," Jess says, lifting the book to show her the cover.

Her eyes light up. "I've read that. Don't worry, I won't spoil the ending for you." She sits down next to Jess, crossing her legs the way his are. "What part are you at?"

"The survivors of Cornelisz's attack just escaped to Wallabi Island," explains Jess, showing the girl the paragraph he is currently reading.

"That's a good chapter," the girl says. "Do you read a lot?"

Jess shrugs. "Not really." He doesn't know why he lied. He feels very self-conscious all of a sudden. "This is for school."

The girl frowns. "What grade are you in?"

"First grade."

"Me too," she says. Then she smiles again. "Hey, I might be in your class! I just moved here from Woodbury with my mom. Well, I will be one step ahead since I've already read _Strange Objects_. That's good to know."

Jess thinks that this girl talks a lot. He feels his face turning hot as he realizes he might get caught in his lie. "I won't be in first grade for long," he says. "I'm skipping to second grade."

"Really?" she says, her eyes widening. "You must be really smart."

Jess just shrugs. His face gets even hotter, as do his ears.

"What's your name?" she asks.

Jess looks at her, grateful that she dropped the subject of his intelligence. "Jess," he tells her quietly.

She holds out her hand to him, which he timidly shakes. A twinkle shines in her blue eyes. "I'm Rory."

"Jess!"

They both look up to see Uncle Luke standing at the end of the bridge, looking frantic. "Get your butt over here!"

Jess scrambles to his feet, grabs his book, and heads towards Uncle Luke. "Bye, Rory," he says quickly over his shoulder.

"Bye, Jess," she says back.

* * *

Uncle Luke is mad. Jess can tell. He sits on the bed in Uncle Luke's house, staring at his shoes guiltily. He's never made Uncle Luke mad before. He doesn't like the feeling. He doesn't like making anyone mad.

Uncle Luke paces in front of Jess, quietly mumbling to himself. Jess waits for him to start yelling.

But he doesn't yell. Instead, Uncle Luke sits on the bed next to him and lets out a deep breath. "Jess," he says, "you can't just run out on me like that. I looked all over town for you, I was worried sick. What would your mom say, if she heard you did that? Ran out on me?"

Jess glances sidelong at Uncle Luke. "She'd say I'm like her. I leave."

Uncle Luke visibly deflates and takes off his baseball cap so he can run his fingers through his hair. "Aw, jeez. Jess, your mom's comin' back for you. You know that."

"No, I don't," Jess insists, jumping up from the bed. "You're lying to me! She's never coming back!"

"Okay, listen, don't get all stressed, okay?" says Uncle Luke. "Come on, sit down. You gotta be strong, Jess."

Grudgingly, Jess does as he's told. There's a silence before Uncle Luke speaks. "Jess, I dunno how to do all this. Okay? I'm not a dad, I'm pretty sure I'm not Dad material. I'm not really old enough to be a dad."

"You're Mama's big brother," Jess pointed out. "And she's a Mama."

"Yes, that's true," says Uncle Luke slowly. He exhales. "Look, the point is, Jess, that I wanna do the best I can by you. But you're gonna have to help me out, alright? I'm not saying I'm gonna be your dad, or that I'm gonna try and be your dad. But I'll be looking out for you. In fact, we're gonna look out for each-other. Okay?"

Jess nods, unsure of what else he's supposed to do.

"So. We don't have to talk about baseball or anything right now. But when the time comes, we're gonna help each-other. Understand?"

Jess doesn't understand. But he lets Uncle Luke tuck him into bed and he tries his best to fall asleep, even after the phone rings and Uncle Luke goes downstairs to answer it. Jess gazes up at the starless ceiling, peering through the dark room with wide eyes.

He feels like he should cry. But Jess doesn't cry.

* * *

 **A/N:** Kindly leave me your thoughts... I love to hear your feedback, especially on a story like this. Things will start to pick up in length and intensity as Jess gets older.


	3. Why Don't You Like Baseball, Jess?

**Synopsis:** Jess Mariano's life up until he arrived in Stars Hollow was a twisted path which left him scarred and angry at the world. There's a reason people are the way there are. Dark Pre-GG. Jess-centric.

 **Rating:** T for language, dark themes, and sexual content in later chapters. Rating will probably go up eventually. At the start of any chapters containing particularly sensitive material, I will post a trigger warning accordingly.

 **FYI:** Keeping with the canon timeline, Jess was born in 1984. Keep that mind to figure out his age at any given time in the story.

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Physical abuse of a child.**

 **Liberty Harbor**

 _By Imagine Backstory_

Chapter Three

 **Stars Hollow, 1991**

The night Jess turns seven years old is the night the night terrors find him. He dreams about stadiums and popcorn and screaming fans. Crowded gates, broken shoe laces and sore knees.

He wakes with a scream and in a cold sweat, chest heaving. He is pressing his face into the pillow again. Uncle Luke comes running.

 _Why don't you like baseball, Jess?_

 **New York, 1988**

"Come on, Jess, keep up," says John as he makes his way up the stands of the arena.

Jess follows John, being careful not to let any pieces of popcorn spill out of the red and white striped container. The popcorn is a special treat; Jess doesn't want to waste it.

"Here's our seats." John sits down, and Jess sits next to him. "These aren't half bad, huh? What do you say?"

"Thank you, John," whispers Jess.

It's very noisy in here. Jess eats a few pieces of popcorn.

When the game starts, Jess tries to follow along. He doesn't understand baseball very well. He's only ever watched the highlights when they play on the TV. Jess isn't allowed to watch TV, but he sees it sometimes when John is watching.

"John, how come Mama didn't come with us?" Jess asks as the white team moves off the field and the blue team moves onto the field.

"I told you a thousand times," says John, waving his hand around. "She's busy tonight. That's why you're here in the first place."

Jess is quiet after that.

When a man comes around with a tray of food and drinks, John buys a glass of honey-coloured liquid. It looks bubbly and frothy. He doesn't ask Jess if he wants anything. Jess savours his popcorn.

The man comes around six more times during the game, and each time, John buys a glass of that same liquid, and nothing for Jess.

Everyone is awfully angry when the blue team wins. Everyone around Jess boos and hisses, yelling bad words and throwing popcorn and cracker jack. Jess doesn't understand why they're so upset. If the white team lost this game, they can win another, can't they?

John finds some friends to talk to while Jess remains in his seat. Everyone around is leaving the stadium. Jess wants to go too. He's sleepy and all the popcorn is gone. John ate an awful lot of it. It's still very noisy in here even though everyone's leaving.

Finally, John comes over to Jess. John's friends are with him. "This is him?" asks one of John's friends.

"Yeah," says John. He looks at Jess. "What're you still doing sitting there? Let's go," he says in a mean voice. Jess follows John and his friends down the steps of the stands, eager to get home and see Mama.

But they don't go home. They go into the city. They go to a restaurant where John and his friends drink more of the amber coloured liquid. Jess sits at the table with them, colouring in one of the sheets the nice waitress brought him.

John and his friends are very loud.

Jess yawns. John pretends not to notice.

Finally, John says he is going to take Jess home. But outside is even noisier than inside.

There's lots of shouting and screaming as Jess and John and John's friends emerge from the restaurant. There are people fighting in the streets.

"Oh, shit," says one of John's friends. "A rumble's started!"

One of the fighting guys knocks the other guy to the ground. Jess watches with wide eyes. He's never seen anybody get hit before. Only on TV when John didn't know Jess was watching.

Sirens wail and Jess sees police cars drive up to the fighting people. Police men are everywhere, and begin fighting with the regular people. Suddenly the crowd that has gathered goes crazy. Someone jumps up on top of a car and takes something out his pocket. The next thing Jess knows, the car is on fire! Jess jumps away from the fire. He doesn't like fire.

"Come on, this way," says John, leading Jess away from the fire. People are running and screaming all around them. Jess is very afraid. He begins to whimper and cry as John pulls him through the chaos by the arm. There's a lot more people around them now. Jess can't remember being more scared in his short life.

John recognizes someone on the other side of the street and pulls Jess towards him."What's going on?" John asks his friend. He has to yell to be heard over the noise.

"It's Tompkins Square Park," John's friend answers loudly. "The skinheads are rioting, something about a curfew. We gotta get outta here. Shit's gonna get ugly."

The people fighting the police men are all thin and dirty, the people Mama and John always tell Jess not to go near. Jess catches a glimpse of a crowd of people watching the fighting. Some of them hold signs, but Jess can't read them. One says "ABC" on it, but Jess doesn't know why.

John is running too fast for Jess. His little legs can't keep up and he falls down, right onto his elbow. He cries out and checks the damage, and begins to cry harder when he sees a big, bloody scrape there. He looks around for John, but he can't see him. Jess panics, glancing around, screaming John's name. But there's only strangers running about, yelling themselves. Some of them are fighting still. The car behind Jess is still on fire. Jess feels a strange feeling grip his chest, crushing him from the inside out, as he sits there alone on the ground, distraught.

A man hurries up to Jess and crouches down next to him. "Are you okay, sweetie?" he asks loudly, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Hon, where are your parents?" Jess just continues to cry, barely inhaling enough oxygen to produce his sobs, let alone speak. "Here, come with me. You have to get out of the streets. It's not safe." Jess shrieks as the man picks Jess up from the ground and carries him over his shoulder. Jess doesn't want to go with this stranger, but he doesn't want to stay put either. He continues to cry, looking around at the hell developing on the streets of New York tonight.

Suddenly, the man carrying Jess is grabbed and yanked backwards. Jess tumbles out of his arms and falls to the ground again, opening the scab on his elbow further and banging up his knees as well. When he looks up he sees John repeatedly punch the man who'd taken Jess. "That's my kid, you son of a bitch!" John yells.

The man cowers, holding his hands in front of his face in an attempt to deflect John's blows. "I was just trying to help, man!" he yells. "He was sitting there, crying all alone, what was I supposed to do, leave him?! He'd have been trampled! I saved his life!"

John pushes the man away and reaches for Jess. Jess shrinks away from him. He doesn't want John to touch him. "Jess," says John impatiently. "Come here, we gotta go now."

"No," says Jess. His knees are bleeding badly.

"Jess," John snaps, "don't fuck around, let's go!"

" _NO_!" Jess screams.

John raises his hand and _slaps_ Jess across the face with the back of it. The ring on his pinky finger cuts Jess' cheek and it starts to bleed.

After a shocked moment, Jess jumps to his feet and darts through the crowd, his ears still ringing from the slap, pushing his way through the throngs of distressed people.

He hears John calling after him, but he's fast. He doesn't know where to go, but his legs carry him somewhere.

Jess runs into a group of policemen who put him inside one of their cars and drive Jess home. In any other circumstance, Jess would have been thrilled to ride in a police car while the siren wailed on top.

Mama is a mess when he arrives, crying and sobbing and telling him over and over how worried she was, that she'd been watching the riots on the news. She takes Jess to the hospital, where some doctors have to sew up one of his knees and the gash on his cheek. Jess is too tired to scream or cry anymore.

John doesn't come home that night.

John doesn't come home for many nights.

But Mama and Jess stay put, waiting for him. Jess doesn't tell Mama where the cut on his cheek really came from. He tells her that he tripped during the riot and fell on his face. Jess is scared John will be angry if Jess tells Mama. And John doesn't tell Mama either, when he comes home.

John leaves the ring off for awhile, but eventually puts it back on.

* * *

 **Stars Hollow, 1992**

Jess doesn't like wearing shorts. It's summertime, and it's hot, but he still wears pants.

He doesn't like it when people see the scars on his knees. They tend to ask where they came from, and Jess is never able to tell them.

Uncle Luke has stopped asking why Jess won't wear shorts, which is part of the reason Jess likes Uncle Luke best.

Jess liked being in second grade more than first, and third grade even more than second. He is on summer break now, but he can't wait to start grade four in September. They're going to start writing essays and learning more complicated math. Jess doesn't like math so much, but he finds it really easy. He usually finishes his questions before the others and then he gets time to read his book.

He's been reading _The Catcher in the Rye._ Uncle Luke wasn't too pleased at first when Jess brought it home from the library, but Jess can tell Uncle Luke doesn't want to discourage his reading habits, even if the book says _damn_ a lot. Jess doesn't quite understand everything in the book, but he likes it all the same. He's sure he will understand more when he's older.

Jess sees Rory around sometimes. She's a grade behind him now, but they always run into each-other at Uncle Luke's diner after school. Rory's mom and Uncle Luke are friends now, so sometimes Jess even sees Rory before school, then they walk to school together. Uncle Luke and Rory's mom seem pleased that they're friends. Jess doesn't know if Rory is his friend. She doesn't talk to him at lunch and she doesn't call him her friend. All they talk about is books. Jess doesn't really have friends anyway.

Besides, girls are gross.

Jess can't stand the thought that maybe his only friend is a girl.

"There's some boys playing frisbee out in the square," Uncle Luke says one particularly hot afternoon. Jess is sitting at the counter reading as usual, not wearing shorts. "Why don't you put the book down and go play outside for a bit?" Jess shakes his head no. "Jess, you gotta get some fresh air, some vitamin D."

"I don't know those guys," says Jess, glancing at them over his shoulder.

"Sure you do, they go to your school," says Uncle Luke. "I know they do because there's literally nowhere else for them to go. Go on, go outside, Jess. I'm not supposed to let you stay cooped up inside all alone all the time. I'm supposed to encourage physical activity and social growth."

Jess gives a huge, exaggerated eye-roll. "You've been reading those parenting books again, haven't you?" he asks.

"So what if I have?" says Uncle Luke, all offended. "You've been reading, what, _Catcher in the Rye_ still?"

Jess holds the book up to confirm, keeping his eyes trained on the paragraph he's reading. He only has a couple chapters left, he thinks.

"Okay, that's it." Uncle Luke snatches the book right out of Jess' hands and places it on top of the highest shelf behind the counter. Jess opens his mouth to protest, but Uncle Luke says, "Young man, you are going outside to play, and that is final!"

"I'm not going outside to _play_ ," retorts Jess distastefully. "I'm not _five_."

"Well, fine, go outside to, you know, _chill out_ or whatever the kids are calling it these days," replies Uncle Luke. "I swear to god, it's like I may as well have a teenager already."

It's true. For an eight-year-old, Jess is awfully precocious. He knows this about himself. He learned the word from a book and knows it describes him perfectly. He is also extremely proud, which is why he jumps down from the stool with his nose in the air and huffs it out of the diner, pulling his baseball cap onto his head and spinning it backwards as he goes. It barely fits him anymore; he has to wear it on the loosest setting and even then it leaves a mark on his forehead from being too tight. Uncle Luke keeps threatening to buy him a new one but Jess always insists that it's his lucky hat. Not that he believes in lucky objects, but he would rather say that than admit the hat has any sort of sentimental value.

As it turns out, frisbee is very difficult to play in baggy jeans. For the first time, Jess really wishes he could just wear shorts like the other kids. They are surprisingly willing to let him join in their game, despite the fact that Jess has probably never spoken to them before. Some of them are even in his class and he's never spoken to them before. Jess is very quiet at school.

The other team has just scored the winning point when Jess spots an unfamiliar, beat-up pickup truck park near the diner. It's always weird to see something unfamiliar in this town, so Jess watches as a woman gets out of the truck and heads into the diner.

Uncle Luke is nowhere to be found when Jess walks into the diner, the bell tinkling overhead. There's just Ceasar and a handful of diners. The strange woman is also nowhere to be seen. Jess looks behind the counter for his book, but he can't find it. Figuring Uncle Luke either left it on the top shelf or put it upstairs, he heads up to the apartment to see if it's there.

Jess stops when he hears voices coming from inside.

"You can't be here," says Uncle Luke angrily. "It isn't fair, and it isn't right. He's just started settling in. He's doing well at school, he's even been playing sports with some of the other boys." Jess smirks at that. Though technically true, this had literally just started happening.

"But Luke, I need him back," says a female voice. It strikes Jess as oddly familiar. "I'm in a good spot, I'm finally in a position where I can take him on."

" _Take him on_?" roars Uncle Luke. "He's not a pet you have to save up for! He's not a, a _project_ or an extra-curricular activity! He's a _kid_ , a kid with issues who's finally doing okay, and you being here is just gonna undo all the work I've done for the past nearly four years!"

Jess steps back, shocked at what he's hearing. Since when does Jess have issues?

"Jess does not have issues," snaps the woman. "Jess is fine. You just said he's fine!"

"You really don't know anything about him, do you?" says Uncle Luke. "Do you have any idea what that, that _monster_ did to him?"

"What are you talking about?" shrieks the woman.

" _John_ , Liz! I'm talking about John. I'm not stupid. Or was I really supposed to believe that scar on his face came from an innocent _fall_? He _told_ me, Liz. He told me everything."

"I really don't know what you're talking about, Luke!"

 _"Don't play dumb_!"

Jess has had enough. He grabs the doorknob and flings the door open, shocking the two adults inside. They both turn to look at him, stunned into silence. "Jess..." says Uncle Luke. He rubs a hand over his jaw.

The woman's eyes are full of tears. "Jess...?" she says, too.

Jess stares at the woman, recognition finally donning on him. "Mama?"

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry this one's a little shorter. More to come soon! Please review...


	4. Jess Doesn't Cry

**Synopsis:** Jess Mariano's life up until he arrived in Stars Hollow was a twisted path which left him scarred and angry at the world. There's a reason people are the way there are. Dark Pre-GG and canon. Jess-centric.

 **Rating:** T for language, dark themes, and sexual content in later chapters. Rating will probably go up eventually. At the start of any chapters containing particularly sensitive material, I will post a trigger warning accordingly.

 **FYI:** Keeping with the canon timeline, Jess was born in 1984. Keep that mind to figure out his age at any given time in the story.

 **TRIGGER WARNING:** Vehicular accident; death; predatory advances.

 **Liberty Harbor**

 _By Imagine Backstory_

Chapter Four

 **Stars Hollow, 1992**

"Hi baby," says Mama quietly as Jess continues to stare at her.

It's been...years. Almost four years, like Uncle Luke said. Jess barely recognizes her. She's cut her hair shorter than he's ever seen it, and she looks older than he remembers.

"Jess, go downstairs," says Uncle Luke. He looks either worried or scared or both.

Jess doesn't go downstairs. In fact, he steps into the room, towards his mother.

"I've come to take you home," she says. She's crying again. Mom cries a lot.

"I am home," says Jess simply. He glances around the apartment. "This is where I live."

Mom sits at the table then; or rather, she collapses into a chair. Uncle Luke hustles Jess out of the room. "Just go downstairs, okay, Jess?" he says pleadingly. "I need to talk to your mom alone."

Jess allows himself to be pushed out of the apartment, but that's as far as he goes. He lingers outside the door after Uncle Luke shuts it and listens, careful to stand near the wall so they can't see him through the frosted glass window.

"You see what I mean?" Uncle Luke asks. His voice is gentler than it was before. "He's adjusted here, Liz. He calls this place home. When in his life has he ever referred to a place as home before?"

"He's so big," Mom sobs. "My baby boy..."

"He's still a kid, Liz. He still needs consistency and trust. If you yank him outta here now, who knows what will happen."

"But what am I gonna do?" she wails. "Leave him here forever? Only see him for, for holidays?"

There's a long pause. It's silent within the apartment save for the sounds of Mom's sniffling. "You could move here," Uncle Luke says gently.

Mom scoffs. It's not a nice sound. "Not going to happen," she snaps. "I swore when I left this place I would never move back. Besides, I got a place. A new place."

"New man, too?" Uncle Luke says skeptically.

"Yes, as it turns out, I have found a good man, Luke. So sue me."

"Yeah, well you can bet your ass Jess isn't going anywhere until I meet this guy," says Uncle Luke. "Not after last time. I'll tell ya, Liz, you sure know how to pick 'em."

"Don't you dare criticize my choices!" Liz cries. "I made them and they are mine, and sure I have made bad ones, but you are in no position-you don't have a right to-"

Uncle Luke cuts her off. "I have every right!" he roars. "I've been raising your kid for four goddamn years! Fixing your mistakes! Believe it or not, Liz, every mistake you make now directly affects Jess. If you had your head out of your ass and started thinking about someone other than yourself for once in your life, you'd know that! And what about me, huh? I'm not a father, I never wanted to be a father. I was barely twenty-five when you showed up with him; what if I'd had plans he didn't fit into! Did you expect me to throw that all away in order to raise my nephew?"

"Right, as if you had plans beyond these walls, Luke, beyond this town even," says Mom. Her voice has turned nasty. "I knew you weren't going anywhere, that's why I came here. I knew you could offer him stability-"

"Stability that you're going to take away from him-!"

"-And don't forget I was only eighteen fucking years old when I had Jess, Luke. Twenty-three when that bastard John cheated on me and practically left me on the streets for two years! _Believe me_ I know what it's like to change plans when mistakes happen!"

There's another long pause inside. Jess remains in the hall, too stunned to move, too bruised to think of anything other than the suddenly very real and clear fact that neither of the adults inside, who at one point he loved and trusted, who he thought loved and trusted him, want him.

He turns and dashes down the stairs.

His eyes burn. But Jess doesn't cry.

* * *

 **New York, 1992**

The city is a lot louder than Jess remembers.

It's also a lot dirtier, and a lot smellier.

As he descends off the bus, Jess realizes for the first time that he's quite empty-handed. All he has is the wad of cash he took from the till in the diner, and his copy of _The Catcher In The Rye,_ which he swindled Ceasar into getting down from the top shelf for him. He puts both items in the back pockets of his jeans, grateful, now, that he isn't wearing shorts.

His chest aches as he makes his way out of the bus depot and wanders down the sidewalk. He hasn't pressed his face into his pillow at night in quite some time, ever since he told Luke what happened that night he went to the baseball game with John. But he feels the pressure behind his ribcage now, squeezing his organs until he's short of breath.

It won't be long until they notice he's missing. They probably noticed when he was already a quarter way to New York. Stars Hollow isn't big enough for somebody to be missed.

Jess doesn't recognize anything. When Jess and Mom lived with John, they only came into the city a few times. They lived just outside it, across the Brooklyn Bridge, and John didn't like driving into the city on weekends because he did it every day for work, and traffic was always bad, he said.

Jess sits on a bench across the street from the bus station and pulls out his money to count. He thinks he has enough to get him back to Stars Hollow. He knows he will have to go back. He has nowhere to stay here in New York. But he has to escape for awhile. He wants to scare them.

For being precocious, Jess is a little too rational for even his own liking.

He glances around and wonders vaguely when the last time he ate was. His stomach feels like an empty pit and it rolls around unpleasantly inside of him. He doesn't know whether it's from hunger or fear but he hopes to ease it soon.

Mom came back for him.

Uncle Luke said she would. But Jess stopped believing him a long time ago. Uncle Luke probably stopped believing himself, too.

But Mom came back.

Jess suddenly feels very sad, and very ashamed. She came back for him, and he left.

But.

She doesn't want him. She called him a mistake.

Uncle Luke doesn't want him either. Jess is ruining Uncle Luke's plans.

Jess looks back at his money. He has enough for the bus back to Stars Hollow.

He gets up from the bench and goes to buy a hot dog from a cart on the side of the street, with all the toppings on it. He hasn't eaten this much in one sitting in the past four years, but he devours it quickly now.

Now he no longer has enough for the bus back to Stars Hollow.

* * *

It's getting dark. For the first time, Jess really begins to question his choice to come here alone. He has nowhere to go, nowhere to sleep.

After his hot dog he wandered around for a bit, and he ended up in a place called Washington Square Park. He sits on a bench there now, observing the people walking by when he isn't reading his book. He takes frequent breaks from reading because he's almost finished and he doesn't want the book to end too soon. He has nothing else to read once he finishes it.

The sun has nearly completely gone when a man comes up to Jess. He is skinny and wearing baggy clothes, with a dark bandana tied around his head. "Hey, kid," he says in a low, gravely voice. "Whatcha doin' sittin' out here all alone?" Jess just stares back at him blankly. "Where's your Ma and Pop, kid?" the man asks.

Jess shrugs. He's not supposed to talk to strangers. He remembers that from the few times he came into the city with John and Mom.

"'S gettin' dark," the stranger says, glancing up at the sky. "It ain't safe for a tyke like you'self to be all alone in the city after dark."

Jess darts his eyes around. There's a smattering of people left in the park, but none of them are paying attention to him and this man. His chest starts to hurt again.

"Don't you speak, son?" asks the stranger.

Jess remains silent. _Don't talk to strangers,_ Mom said. _Ever. You hear me?_

The stranger takes a step closer to Jess. He smells tangy and putrid, a smell which is strangely familiar to Jess. "'S not very nice to ignore someone when they's talkin' to you, boy," he says. His voice has gotten low and quiet. "Fact, 's kinda rude. I don't really like it when folks're rude to me. Nothin' pisses me off more than a yuppie white kid who's rude to boot, know what I'm sayin'?"

Jess continues to remain silent, but he is gripping his book so tight his knuckles begin to hurt.

The man steps even closer, now completely blocking Jess from the view of anyone else in the park. "You Italian or some shit?" the man asks. He ducks down to observe Jess better. "'S your name, son?"

"Luke," says Jess. He's scared now. His chest begins to hurt again.

"Your _last name_ , boy."

Jess flounders. "Gilmore," he replies. He doesn't quite know where that name comes from. He knows somebody with that name, but he can't remember who at this moment.

"Luke Gilmore," repeats the man. "That shit ain't Italian. But you look Italian as shit. You don't wanna be in these parts if youse Italian, son."

"I'm not Italian," says Jess. The lights flicker on in the park, illuminating it in a sickly green glow.

The man smiles. His teeth are all dark and crooked. One of them is gold. "Let's get you home," he says, and reaches out to grasp Jess' arm. Jess shakes him off and sits up on the bench, leaning into the backrest, fully alert. "Ooh, not very friendly," says the man.

"Leave me alone," Jess says quietly.

The man roughly grabs Jess' arm, and this time Jess can't shake him off.

Suddenly, there is a loud, sharp sound, kind of like the noises Jess hears on TV sometimes during action movies. Jess and the stranger both turn to look into the Square. Out of nowhere, a car comes crashing through the fence on one side of the park, bouncing over the curb, and careens towards the people there. They are running and scattering and screaming, but the car is moving too fast. Jess watches with horror as the car plows right into a group of people in the middle of the Square.

The sounds their bodies make as the vehicle crushes them will haunt Jess for the rest of his life.

The car continues on its path of destruction, seemingly completely out of control, and only stops when it crashes into the fence on the other side of the park.

For a moment, there's complete silence.

Then, there's chaos.

The stranger lets go of Jess and high tails it out of the park. Jess is left alone on the bench, watching the scene unfold before his very eyes.

There are bodies everywhere, lying on the ground, motionless. The people who managed to escape getting hit crowd around them.

Others gather around the car. An old woman gets out of the driver's seat, looking confused and horrified. A man strikes her over the head and she falls to the ground. A fight begins as the crowd pulls the man away from the old woman.

Efforts are made to lift the car, which has trapped a couple of people beneath its tires.

Jess has never seen so much blood in his life. He doesn't think it's possible for there to be that much blood inside a person.

One girl, barely older than Jess himself, lies only ten or so feet away from Jess, a smile still on her face as she stares blankly up at the darkening sky. One of her shoes is about twenty feet in the opposite direction.

Jess leans over the edge of the bench and throws up his hot dog.

Sirens wail nearby and suddenly the Square is flooded with policemen, firefighters and medical workers. One of the firefighters approaches Jess, who is still frozen to his spot on the bench, and puts a thick blanket around his shoulders. "Where are your parents?" he asks Jess.

Jess shrugs.

"What's your name?" the firefighter asks.

"Jess," he whispers. "I need to get home. Please."

"Where's home, kid?"

"Stars Hollow."

The firefighter presses a button on the walkie talkie attached to his shirt. "Yeah, we need a runner to drive a witness to Connecticut." A garbled phrase comes from the other end. "Sir, it's just a kid. He's all by himself." Another garbled message. "Copy that." He looks at Jess and takes his hand. "Come on, kid. Someone's gonna drive you home, okay?"

The firefighter helps Jess into the back of a police car. He remembers being in the back of a police car when he was much littler. He's expects to feel scared, like he did before, but he just feels numb, empty. Cold. All he can see, whether his eyes are open or closed, are those bodies scattered about the park, and the steam rising from the engine of the car, and that man hitting the old woman across the face.

And the strangers' gold tooth... And the bruise developing on Jess' arm from where he grabbed him.

His eyes burn. But Jess doesn't cry.

* * *

 **A/N:** I know the WSP crash happened in April of '92, not the summer, but I'm bending time and space for the purposes of this story. Told you shit was gonna get dark. Please review!


	5. Bodies Blood Gold Teeth

**Synopsis:** Jess Mariano's life up until he arrived in Stars Hollow was a twisted path which left him scarred and angry at the world. There's a reason people are the way there are. Dark Pre-GG and canon. Jess-centric.

 **Rating:** T for language, dark themes, and sexual content in later chapters. Rating will probably go up eventually. At the start of any chapters containing particularly sensitive material, I will post a trigger warning accordingly.

 **FYI:** Keeping with the canon timeline, Jess was born in 1984. Keep that mind to figure out his age at any given time in the story.

 **A/N:** Thank you all for your lovely reviews!

 **TRIGGER WARNING:** Implied post-traumatic stress disorder

 **Liberty Harbor**

 _By Imagine Backstory_

Chapter Five

 **Jersey City, 1995**

Jess hates school.

He has already learned everything the teachers are teaching and the kids are all smelly with bad attitudes and none of them like to read. This is partly because Jess was forced back a grade even though previously he skipped one, and partly because he's going to school in the ghetto of Jersey City.

At first, Jess spent most of his time trying to stay out of the other kids' way. They are all hard and tough, and more than once Jess unintentionally provoked one or two of them, seemingly just by breathing near their lockers. He did his best to remain invisible at school. Unfortunately, this means he made zero friends.

Bodies, blood, and gold teeth.

Eventually, Jess gave up trying to make nice, and started fighting back. He's smaller than most of the other kids so he usually winds up being a punching bag, but he is fast and agile and can usually escape quickly. He's definitely a lot smarter than everyone else in the school. Most of his fighting is done with his words, and once he's done with the verbal abuse his opponent is usually too stumped to do anything, which gives Jess time to run away. No one is smart enough to fully appreciate Jess' gumption, but it's enough to get him out of several sticky situations.

"What happened to you?!" Mom cries when Jess comes back from school one day in a particularly dark mood, covered in red dirt from the school grounds and with several scrapes on his palms. She kisses his cheek and smoothes his hair down. Her fake nails scrape against his skull unpleasantly. "Baby, we've been over this. You need to stand up to those bullies!"

The full story is Brad Mason shoved Jess into his locker after school for no reason, which promptly led to Jess yelling loudly at the older boy's retreating back ("Why don't you assert your masculinity somewhere else, tough guy?"). Brad turned menacingly as Jess was already darting out the nearest exit, but Jess got tangled in a group of kids coming into the school and Brad caught up to him, shoved him to the ground, and pummelled him.

But Jess never tells Mom the full story. There's no point; she'll hear what she wants to hear. As far as she's concerned, Jess is always the victim. He's her little angel. He'd never pick the fights himself. And Jess will keep it that way as long as possible.

"I hate that place," Jess growls while Mom gets him a glass of lemonade and searches for a first aid kit.

Luke let Mom take Jess away.

"We'll be in a nice, new, _real_ neighbourhood as soon as Mike's house is finished, baby," Mom says as she awkwardly applies a bandaid to the heel of Jess' scraped palm, careful not to ruin her nails. "And you'll go to a nice school with nicer kids. This is all just temporary."

 _Temporary. For now. Soon. Nice._ Jess is sick of all her excuses he's heard a million times in the past three years.

Mike is Mom's boyfriend. According to Mom, he's a house-flipper. He buys old houses in Newark and renovates them, then resells them for ten times the price he bought them for. Now, apparently, Mike is working on renovating a house for him and Mom (and Jess). Jess feels very skeptical about the whole thing but generally keeps his thoughts to himself.

Jess steps outside after dinner, which consisted of a spoonful of baked beans and scrambled eggs with ketchup, and breathes in the bitter scents of motor oil and old barbecue. That's pretty much all this place ever smells like besides the tangy and putrid smell Jess remembers from his childhood-the same smell that clung to the stranger who approached him in Washington Square Park-which he has now identified as a special plant thing that Mom and Mike like to smoke sometimes when they think Jess is asleep.

Bodies, blood, and gold teeth.

Jess shakes his head back and forth.

At least Mike's trailer is nice compared to some of the others around the park. It has a toilet that flushes and running water for the shower and the sink. Jess knows some of their neighbours have to use the outhouses and bathe in big tubs outside their trailers.

Jess makes his way down the lane towards a Spencer's trailer. He passes the entrance to the park, where a big, run-down sign reads _WELCOME TO LIBERTY HARBOR_ in chipped black paint. As he approaches the trailer, a border collie named Rhett barks and comes bounding up to lick his fingers. "Hey, Rhett," says Jess, patting the dog's head affectionately.

Spencer comes out of the trailer when she hears Rhett barking. "Hey," she says to Jess, stepping down from the trailer and walking towards him. She's carrying a bucket of dark, soapy dishwater. "Just gotta dump this."

"Okay," says Jess.

They walk to the nearest pump in silence, Rhett trotting happily at their heels. Spencer is the closest thing to a friend Jess has in Jersey. Kenny, Spencer's dad, is good friends with Mike. They went to high school together or something; Jess doesn't really care about that, but that's how Spencer ended up coming over for dinner several nights a week with Kenny and her big sister Tara, who's fifteen, blonde, and _so over this place_.

Jess still thinks girls are kinda weird, but Spencer is by far the only person in Liberty Harbor who he can tolerate for any period of time, and vice versa. Plus, she's smart. She doesn't like reading as much as Jess, but she can keep up with his trains of thought most of the time.

"You weren't at school today," Jess remarks when they arrive at the water pump.

"Dad didn't come home last night," Spencer replies as she dumps the dirty dishwater down the drain under the pump.

"Where is he?" Jess asks.

She shrugs and rolls her eyes. "Who knows."

"Sucks," says Jess. He runs a hand through his hair and glances around, squinting against the dust constantly hanging in the air. The sun is already starting to set, casting long, blue shadows across the park.

Spencer sighs as they make their way back to her trailer. "What d'you wanna do?" she asks.

Jess shrugs. "I dunno."

"We could head to the field," Spencer suggests. "I filled the ball up with air this mornin'. Rex needs a walk anyway." Her vowels are long and rounded, the way most people in New Jersey speak.

"Okay."

Spencer disappears into the trailer for a moment to collect her faded and tattered soccer ball, which has seen better days, and a leash for Rhett. The three of them exit the park and walk down the road towards the field, which is a small expanse of patchy, dead grass outside an abandoned school building.

Spencer's barefoot, as usual. She almost always is, even in the colder months. She keeps her hair cut above her shoulders and usually wears overalls and a baseball cap, backwards. Mom calls Spencer a tomboy and her family white trash behind their backs, but Jess thinks Mom is a goddamn hypocrite for saying the latter (Jess has read _The Catcher In The Rye_ several times now-he understands it a lot better).

Jess left his cap in Stars Hollow. It was too small for him, anyway.

"What happened to your hands?" Spencer asks when they arrive at the field.

"Guy at school pushed me," Jess says. He sometimes tells Spencer the full story, but today he's too tired to get into it. Spencer doesn't care, which is part of the reason Jess likes her.

Not _like_ likes her. Likes spending time with her. _Doesn't mind_ spending time with her.

They kick the ball around for a bit in silence. Each time one passes it to the other, Rhett chases the ball eagerly.

"You goin' back to Connecticut for Spring break?" Spencer asks as she kicks the ball back to Jess.

He returns it with the tap of the inside of his foot. He has taken his shoes off, too. "Nah," he replies. "You gonna go see your Mom?"

"Nah," she replies.

Conversation over. Jess is grateful.

Half an hour passes by with them just aimlessly kicking the ball around. They get tired of the back and forth, so instead they take to kicking it against the fence. The sound of chain link clattering loudly each time the ball strikes it is oddly satisfying to Jess, and each time it's his turn to kick he adds more and more power to his approach, trying to coax the loudest possible reaction from the fence. Eventually he kicks too hard and it goes soaring right over the fence, over the lane on the other side, and into the backyard of a neighbouring house.

"Damn," says Spencer flatly, hands on her hips.

"I'll get it," Jess replies, and quickly scales the fence. Spencer follows suit, never one to pass on an opportunity to trespass.

Rhett begins to growl from the field as Jess and Spencer approach the fence on the other side of the lane. Spencer shushes him over her shoulder before gesturing at Jess to crouch down. "Gimme a boost," she instructs Jess crouches and cups his hands for her to step into. She barely weighs a thing and he holds her up easily as she peers over the top of the wooden fence. "Shit," she hisses.

"What?" asks Jess.

"Dog." Spencer hops down from Jess' hands.

"Dog?"

"Big mother, too. Asleep, but still. Not worth gettin' our asses bit. I'll get another one." Spencer heads back towards Rhett, whose ears are lying flat against his head.

Bodies, blood, and gold teeth.

For a moment, Jess considers hopping the fence and just getting the ball himself. But it's one thing to provoke Brad Mason; it's another to pick a fight with a guard dog.

* * *

Jess is awake.

His "room" is on one end of the trailer, and Mom and Mike's room is on the other end. Theirs has a curtain at least, but Jess' is exposed to the rest of the trailer. There's definitely no stars to count on this ceiling.

Jess will be twelve next week. Mom will attempt to make a cake, but she'll probably end up almost burning the trailer down in the process. Jess makes a mental note to have a bucket of water ready outside.

It was on the news constantly for a couple days after it happened. Footage showing the same horrific images that Jess sees behind his eyes whenever he lets his guard down. Tragedy in Washington Square Park. Accident in Washington Square Park. Slaughter in Washington Square Park. And then the world forgot about Jess can't forget, no matter how hard he also can't forget that stranger's grip on his arm, even though the bruise has long since faded.

Jess can't remember the last time he actually slept soundly for more than an hour or two at a time. Ever since his impromptu trip to New York, he hasn't slept properly. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees those images again. Bodies, blood, and gold teeth. He can't stand it.

He's not eating much either. And there's no Miss Patty around to pour sugar in his cereal.

Jess tries not to think about that entire time in his life. It causes that aching sensation in his chest to return. Not as full force as it used to, but enough to make him feel something, and he tries to avoid feeling anything as much as possible.

Nevertheless, Jess feels things. Weird things, things he is completely unfamiliar with. Uncontrollable anger. Strange urges to hurt someone. Sore muscles and joints. His voice cracks sometimes over certain vowels or when he's upset. It's completely humiliating when it happens. Mom says he is "blooming early". It makes Jess want to puke.

Luke has written to him a couple times but gave up when Jess never returned the favour. Seeing letters from Luke made Jess' chest ache and he couldn't take it, so he threw them out without opening them.

Luke let Mom take Jess away.

Knowing he isn't going to sleep, Jess gets up and quietly does the homework that isn't due for another three days.

Bodies...blood..gold...teeth...

Jess escapes outside to sit under the moon. Now all he can smell is gasoline.

* * *

 **A/N:** I've been loving reading your thoughts and reactions. Please keep them coming. You're inspiring me to continue writing this.


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